My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
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When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
good let them take over I have had enough
I’d use my best pan on you.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”