If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”