Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout