If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
based al yankovic
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine