click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I can also cook 😂
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go