I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
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*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.