Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES