*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I am never leaving this website
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I had to Stop for this