“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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felt that
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
no one ever comes back
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact