My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.