When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
You Might Also Like
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.