*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
You Might Also Like
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
u spoke cat all this time??????
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me driving through Toronto
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”