My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero