Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
You Might Also Like
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT