Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.