safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Where is your GOD now????
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Flock of bats
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz