what is cheese if not milk persevering
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*