Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Lassie, get help!
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.