Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.