Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
We all have our pet causes.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.