My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
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me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.