son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!