Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
My dream job is getting paid to dream
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I can fix him.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Good Morning.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.