My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
United Steaks of America
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Succinctly put.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.