*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT