‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.