started wrapping my pills in cheese
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…