If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
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Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.