Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Kermit goes Blue.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.