DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
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Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn