“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Self-cleaning conscience
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.