I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
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Boating season is upon us.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.