do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
You Might Also Like
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*