What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.