The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*