You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
What?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
🙂🙃🥹
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard