Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
do what now??
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.