[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.