6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
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How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I laughed at this way too hard.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…