[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
my astrological sign is a french fry
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you