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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
This checks out
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I just ran a .003048K
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly