Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Sign at work today
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Beards are a privilege, not a right
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up