Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
You Might Also Like
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.