Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You Might Also Like
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The three genders
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.