Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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inventing words: clothing
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.