My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
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Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My patience has stretch marks.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.