Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
is this how new cars are made??
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them