Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days