Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Wait for it
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Oh no
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”