*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
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not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Every house has this drawer
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there